From the Heart: Acknowledging the Loss of First Families

Acknowledging the Loss of First Families

Mother’s Day was this past Sunday. My boys were incredibly sweet to me, of course. They bought me a gift and went out of their way to make sure I didn’t have any work around the house. I felt deeply loved. But despite the joy of the day, each year I carry a profound loss within me. It’s not my own loss but the loss experienced by my sons and their first mothers. I think writer and adoptive parent, Jody Landers, captures it best, “A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me.” When this holiday comes around, I find myself reflecting on the loss carried by those I love so deeply. 

Complicated Reasons for Loss. As an adoptive family, we are often asked about our sons’ adoption stories. We won’t share those with anyone as they are theirs alone to share. However, like all adoptions, theirs was a result of loss - the loss of family, connection, and history. All adoption stories are complicated and as unique as the people involved. Adoptions can be the result of death, strained relationships, generational trauma, substance use disorder, mental illness and, sadly, they may result from broken government systems, trafficking, racism, and poverty. One thing I know, adoption should always be the last option. Every child should be given every chance to be raised by their biological family.

When people talk about adoption, the adoptive parents are typically celebrated.  We say things like, “Aren’t they wonderful? What a beautiful gift they gave to those children!” This comes from a good place, of course, but it misses a core truth that the child and their first family have experienced profound loss.  In fact, society often speaks poorly of first families – making generalized assumptions about poor choices they might have made that resulted in their children entering the child welfare systems.  But as our CASA volunteers and staff can attest – it is never as black and white as that. Each family’s story is complicated and rooted in trauma. In our experience, parents love their children and do not want to cause harm to them.

Listen to Their Voices.  As a society, we need to better center the stories of those who experience loss in adoption – the first families and our children. At Savannah CASA, we are grateful to foster and adoptive families as it is they who provide loving and safe homes for our children during times of trauma.  Yet, as an adoptive mother, I’ve noticed that it is often only our voices that are heard. I believe it is far more important that first families and our children’s voices are those we listen to first.

My sons not only carry the first names given to them by their mothers, but they carry their mothers in their hearts.  My sons are not fully mine as they belong just as much to the people who loved them first. I share their growth, their victories, and their hurt with those who gave them life. My heart is broken over what their parents lost and I will not forget the “magnitude of the privilege” that I have in raising our two exceptional sons.

Honoring First Families. On this Mother’s Day and many more to come, I will continue to honor my sons’ mothers and the countless other mothers who lost the opportunity to share the joys and heartbreaks with their children. I ask you to join with our CASA volunteers as they center the child’s voice and support their family’s progress towards reunification. That is our goal – hope and healing. As a society, let’s work to reform the child welfare system so that only those who have no other option are adopted.  Let’s elevate the voices of adoptees and first families and incorporate their experiences and voices into the policies.  Let’s honor these families by not forgetting their loss.   

Want to hear more from adoptees? Listen to the The Adoptee Next Door by transracial adoptee, Angela Tucker. 

Kate with her sons Firdawek (left) and Tek (right) Shared with their permission.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR - Kate  Blair

Kate Blair is the Executive Director of Savannah CASA. Before joining the team in 2018, she served as the Development and Communications Director for Step Up Savannah. She has a Bachelors in Communications. Originally from the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio, Kate and her husband, Andy, made Savannah their home in 2006. They are proud parents to non-twin 13 year olds, Tek and Firdawek, and their furry son, Brutus. The Blairs love to travel together and have incredibly competitive games of Uno. Kate wins the most. She will fight you if you say otherwise. ;)